Zach & Zelda

Zelda : It’s been awhile. Should we bring folks up to date? Zach : Sure. Zelda : How’re you doing? Zach : Peachy.  Zelda : Right. Zach : What do you want me to say? Zelda : You’ve basically been untreated for the past 8 months. No hormone therapy, no radiation, no chemo. Say how you’re feeling. Zach : Frustrated. Bored. Weak. Zelda : What’s frustrating? Zach : Being in limbo. Nothing's happening. Nobody knows what they’re doing. Zelda : For example? Zach : It all stalled this summer—except my PSA. That jumped from 300 to 5000, and nobody gives a shit. They said the “new lesions” were different. Ordered more PET scans. And that CT-guided biopsy bullshit. Zelda : Remind me: Why did they want the biopsy bullshit? Zach : To get more info on the new nasties. See if it makes sense to try something else—radiation, chemo, maybe another hormone pill. Zelda : Right. 'Cause the new tumors are different.  Zach : Yeah, Pluvicto didn’t touch ‘em. Zelda : So you got the biopsy. Zach : And we...

Zelda : As a test, I took a weekend trip to visit family out of state. I hoped the trip would help me decide whether I should take my upcoming international trip or stay home with Zach. Two days before I left, Zach had a CT-guided biopsy of a lesion near his spine. That went well, and he didn’t have much pain or swelling. But the next day, he developed a weird, unrelated, new pain in his neck. He could hardly move. I got him a brace, but it didn’t help much.  I considered cancelling my trip, but he insisted he’d be ok, so I stuck with the plan. We spend all our time together, and convinced myself a weekend apart might be healthy for both of us. But the weekend, and my texts with Zach, were aggressively stressful for me. Here’s a sample: Zelda : Mornin’ sunshine! How’s my lover boy this morning? Zach : Not sure. I just woke up again. There's more fog inside than outside this morning. Zelda : Oh, man – I hope the fog lifts soon. If not, let me know and I’ll drop everything to come ho...

Zelda : I sometimes think of myself as permanent. Other times, everything feels fragile and temporary, including me. “Memento Mori: You must die.” Until then, I just need to show up. I want to show up for Zach and support him as he deals with cancer and the health care system. But sometimes, I don’t know how to help. Last week, for instance, Zach complained about a new pain in his chest. It was near his sternum, and there was actually some palpable swelling in the area. He had no trouble breathing, and no new pain anywhere else. He didn’t want to go to urgent care. But we both wanted to know what was going on. So, with his permission, I called his oncologist’s office, and they agreed to see us that afternoon.  The nurse practitioner asked if Zach had a history of bone fractures, and he said no. But he had several falls last year, and scans showed fractures in his ribs and backbone. I thought he might have forgotten, in the fog of chemo, so I piped up with the details. He shot me a ...

Zelda: When Zach was going through chemo, I worked from home, thanks to an extremely supportive manager and team. So for the past year, Zach and I have been together almost 24/7, at home. Just the two of us. Mostly on the couch. Good thing we kinda like each other…or at least we used to. Just kidding! We're still madly in love, emphasis on "madly" (lol). We somehow survived all that togetherness with our relationship and humors mostly intact. Oh, we had our moments. Like when one of us would speak, and the other would say, “What?” for the umpteenth time. And the first one, who’s certain that they spoke loud enough already, repeats what they just said in a tone that’s MUCH LOUDER than necessary and now has an edge of impatience . Maybe you’re familiar? I know Zach is frustrated with where he’s at physically right now. He still doesn’t feel great, so he spends a lot of his day on the couch in front of TV. He has projects calling his name, but he doesn’t have the energy to ...

Zach : Doctors don’t give a shit about me. Zelda : You don’t believe that. Zach : Hell if I don’t.  Zelda : The nurses care. Zach : I said the docs. And they don’t fucking care. To them, I’m just a guinea pig.  Zelda : They’re doing their best to help you. Zach : They don’t care about helping me. They can’t help me. All they care about is research. Zelda : They do care about that. Zach : I want you to make me a T-shirt that says, “GUINEA PIG.” And I wanna wear it to my next Pluvicto.  [ Zelda ]: To be clear, Zach has been frustrated with his care team recently, and he has every right to be. They postponed a video call with his oncologist the morning of the appointment without so much as a phone call. We only found out when we signed in and tried to start the call. Their excuse was that they wanted to give Zach more time to heal after his surgeries. But he was already healed and planning on getting his 4th Pluvicto treatment. He wanted to get it over with and be ready for ...