Zach & Zelda

Zelda : Back in May, a professional group I follow put out a call for proposals. They had an upcoming conference in Berlin, and they needed speakers. Nine years ago I’d spoken at one of their conferences in Prague, and Zach had gone with me. The talk went well, and Zach and I had a ball exploring the Czech republic together. We even had an unexpected reunion with a nephew and his family, who coincidentally, happened to be staying in the heart of old town, in the same Air B&B as us. That was 8 months before Zach’s cancer diagnosis, and three years before the COVID pandemic. Given everything that's happened since, there's no way I’d be able to do something like that again, is there? Of course not. There'd be too much to do. I’d have to come up with an idea, write a strong proposal, get it accepted, get Zach on board, get my managers on board, prepare the presentation, travel to Berlin, and present the talk—in person—to a live audience. And I’d have to do it all while keep...

Zelda : [I’m in the office room, working on some false emergency, when I notice it: The house is quiet. No courtroom dramas screaming from TV. No doors opening or closing. No water running. No kitchen clatter. Not even any light cussing or grunting. I stop working and go investigate. I find Zach standing at the kitchen counter, pen in hand.]  Zelda : Whatcha doin? Zach : Making lists. Zelda : What kind of lists? Zach : Lists of all the shit that needs to get done! Fucksakes, woman. Zelda : And you’re wearing big boy pants with shoes! What’s the occasion? Zach : Grocery store. Gotta get stuff for your dinner. Zelda : My dinner? You mean "our" dinner. How are you feeling? Zach : Same. Everything hurts. Zelda : But you feel good enough to cook? Zach : No. But I’m doing it anyway.  Zelda : [I notice Zach has also made one of his famous menus: A single sheet with a dozen or so entrees and their accompanying side dishes. I brace for what’s coming next, and he doesn't disappoint...

[Zelda ]: Once again, it’s been a while since we’ve posted. And once again, you're probably wondering what’s been going on and how our story is playing out. I’m not gonna lie, we’re near the end of our tale. But I don’t want to spoil it for you. Not yet. It’s like watching a football game on TV: Zach and I rarely watch live, because commercials suck the joy out of life, unless it's the Super Bowl of course. And if Zach somehow hears a final score before we’ve seen a game, it’s like he got kicked in the shins. Go ahead and delete the recording because he’ll never watch it. Zach welcomes suspense. He thrives on nervous excitement, anticipation, and uncertainty. If he knows how the game ended, all that evaporates and he loses interest. For me, suspense can trigger worry, fear, and anxiety. My breathing changes and I can’t sit still. I feel like I have to DO something. So I sometimes secretly check the score of a game while we’re watching it. Once I know the score, my anxiety evapo...

Zelda : Should we bring folks up to date? Zach (loudly): WHAT? Zelda : Should we tell folks how you’re doing? Zach : You’re making squeaky sounds but they’re not words. Zelda : I asked if…  Zach (interrupting, exasperated): What is your problem? Stop MUMBLING! Zelda (louder, enunciating with painstaking precision): It’s been a-while since we posted.  Zach : You don’t have to yell! Zelda : (slightly softer) Should we let folks know what’s been going on? Zach : Like I could stop you. Zelda : How about starting with the midnight trip to the ER. Zach : I'd rather forget it. Zelda : We went to bed early, and just before 11:00, you rolled over and said, “I hate to tell you this but I think it’s ER time.” You were in serious pain. Zach : I doubled up on meds, tried sitting up, tried ice. It just kept getting worse. So yeah, it was ER time. Zelda : It surprised me. I thought you were getting better.  Zach : I was. Right up ‘til I wasn’t. Zelda : On the positive side, they gave y...

Zelda : [It’s 11:37 PM. We’ve only been in bed for a short time, but Zach and I have both fallen into a deep sleep: The kind where you wake up and you swear you’ve had your eyes closed for hours. But when you check the clock, you’ve only been out for a few minutes. We’re both awake now. Zach rolls onto his side and sighs.] Zach : It’s a soaker. Zelda : What? Zach : I’m drenched. In a pool of sweat. A soggy mess. Zelda : You’re my soggy mess. [I'm clearly only half awake and barely processing what Zach's saying.] Zach : I feel like crap. I need to dry the fuck off. [He sits up on the edge of the bed and turns his head from side to side.] It’s running into my ears! [Giggles] How can my body be drenched in sweat and my mouth be as dry as a desert?  [Zach goes into the bathroom to towel off. When he comes back out, I slide out of bed instinctively. I see what he was talking about: The blanket where he was laying has a Zach-shaped wet spot. Even in the half-light of the bedroom, I c...

[ Zelda ]: I sometimes tell myself I write this blog to make sense of Zach’s cancer diagnosis. But that’s bullshit. No matter how much I write, it will never make sense. What cancer does is heinous, cruel, grotesque, evil. Fuck a bunch of cancer. Even if I could make sense of it, writing won’t get me the answers I want: How do we stop the cancer growing in Zach’s bones? How do we fix the damage it’s done? Words alone won't lead to a cure. And I want to be clear: I’m not writing to garner sympathy. Although I admit, it’s sometimes cathartic to itemize all the ailments, treatments, transgressions, and side effects and parade them around like trophies from a competition. A really dark competition that no one wants to win. No, sympathy only feeds a sense of entitlement and vindication. It might make you feel better for a second or 2, but it keeps you down for the count. And I’m not ready to stay down. So let me tell you why I write.  I write to sort out feelings At times, I feel hopefu...

Zelda : [I’m in my office, and I hear Zach in our bedroom across the hall. He’s struggling with something. Turns out, he's sitting on the cedar chest at the foot of the bed trying to pull on compression socks. It ain't workin'.] Zach : Come on, you can do it, get in there. [Grunts] Are you kidding me? What are you doing? [More grunting] Listen, fuckface, I’m not gonna tell you again. Get it together.  Zelda : [I’m relieved his frustration isn't aimed at me. This time.] Talking to yourself? Zach : Talking to my body. Zelda : Why? Zach : It talks to me all the time. Zelda : Sounds like you’re arguing with protesters. Zach : My whole body's on strike today. It’s telling me, “Stop it! Stop moving! Stand still!” Zelda : Are you listening? Zach : Nope. Zelda : My hero! Zach : Yesterday, my knee was feeling pretty good, so I did some squats. Zelda : Uh oh... Zach : I know. Fucked that up. I learn how far to push it by how I feel the next day, that’s for sure. Zelda : [ Zac...

[Zelda] Zach has a bulge “near his junk” as he puts it. At first, he thought his left testicle was growing. But it turned out to be an inguinal hernia: His intestines are getting out of line. According to Zach, it isn’t really painful, but it’s enlarged and annoying. So we met with his hernia guy–the doctor who repaired a small one on Zach's right side last year.  After a quick exam, the doc sat down and was quiet for a moment. Then he laid out the options: Zach could put up with the hernia, knowing it would probably get bigger, and just monitor it. Interestingly, the bigger the hernia gets, the lower the risks of it becoming obstructed or painful. The other option: Schedule surgery to fix it, and hopefully reduce the annoyance. And if Zach chose surgery, we should do it sooner rather than later. Then the doc leaned forward and asked, “How long do you have to live?” The words landed like a punch to the hernia. We all know our time here is finite, but most of us have the luxury of i...

Zach has exhausted all the standard options for treating metastatic prostate cancer. And his oncologist said they didn’t have any clinical trials that Zach would qualify for either. He did say they’d keep Zach's name in the hat, which is doctor-speak for “Don't hold your breath.” But last week, they called about an immunotherapy trial. This is what we’d been waiting for: A new therapy–something to give us hope! Zach didn’t share my enthusiasm.  Zach : I don’t believe in Santa Claus.  Zelda : What do you mean? Zach : It’s a pipe dream. They have no clue if this will work for me. Still, he agreed to at least look into it, and we read the details of the trial together.  At first, it sounded good. They're attempting to use the patient's own immune system to destroy tumors. But it's early days. They’re figuring out what levels of the drug are safe and effective, and if combinations of drugs increase effectiveness. It's a phase 1/2 trial. Or as Zach so aptly put it, “...