Spilling the beans

Zelda: Fair warning: The hero of this story, Zach, has stage 4 prostate cancer. I wanted to get that out, right up front. That way you know what you’re getting into, and you can stop reading before you fall in love with him like I did. 

Or, you can buckle up and come along. It's gonna be a helluva ride.

I’m Zelda, Zach's partner. When he was diagnosed, Zach decided he didn’t want to tell anyone–not even his parents or his siblings–and I promised I wouldn’t tell either. As a cancer patient myself, I know many decisions are made for you; everything seems out of your control. Deciding who to tell was something Zach could control. So I respected his wishes and kept it a secret. Until now.

I’m breaking my silence now because I need to share what we’re going through. It’s so very hard. Zach is everything to me. And since I can’t share with friends and family, I’m using this anonymous blog to tell our story and at the same time, keep my promise to Zach.

It's shoulder season.

I'm writing because I need a shoulder or 2 right about now. I need support, advice, a swift kick, or reassurance that I'm doing everything I can. Or not. You make the call.

Zach: Blah, blah, blah. You’re boring me to tears.

Zelda: That’s Zach. He’ll chime in now and then.

So let me tell you a little about Zach. He’s always been good at stuff. It’s one of the things that first drew me to him. He can do anything–from building a house or running a river to cooking Thanksgiving dinner, planting a garden, or comforting a colicky baby–and he can do it more efficiently, elegantly, and gracefully than anyone I’ve ever met.

He is the very definition of “fun.” His laughter fills whatever room he’s in, and his quick wink makes you feel like you’re in on a great joke. With a grin and a fist bump, he instantly puts even the most wary strangers at ease. 

Zach and I shared a love of movies, music, sports, and the outdoors. And two weeks after we met, I was all in. To me, we were like 2 Z's in a pod (lol). We just clicked. It took Zach a bit longer to realize it, but that’s a different story.

For better or for worse, we eventually said, “I do!” And for 3 decades, Zach and I had a charmed life together.

Then in March of 2018, I drove him to the hospital emergency room. He was having unusual pain in his chest, and we worried it might be his heart. But after a few scans, the doctor came out and changed our world forever: He told us Zach had cancer. Metastatic cancer. It was in his prostate. It was also in his sternum, his hips, his ribs, and his backbone.

The doc said there were palliative treatments we could try, and promising therapies in the science pipeline, if Zach could just hold on. But surgery wasn't an option at this stage. The horse was out of the barn, and there was no getting it back in. There was no cure.

Stunned doesn’t begin to describe our reaction. We were in shock. Disbelief. I almost laughed. It felt like a joke. But it was our new reality.