Not makin' whoopee

 

Warning: Sexual innuendo and colorful language ahead

Zelda: Not to brag, but we’ve always been good in bed.

Zach: In bed…in cars...on boats…

Zelda: Couches, counter tops, pool tables…

Zach: Trails, tents, lakes…

Zelda: Waterfalls!

Zach: Fucking Rocks!

Zelda: So many Fucking Rocks!

Zach: Extra credit for getting caught. So what’s your point?

Zelda: My point is, we used to make whoopee all over hell and gone. And we were good at it!

Zach: Professionals on a closed course. Do try this at home.

Zelda: Then came your prostate cancer diagnosis, and everything changed. Lupron and Casodex stole all your testosterone. After that, Boners be gone! Your Doc tried to soften the blow, so to speak. They said without testosterone, sex would be a distant memory for you, and you wouldn’t have any sex drive. But that would be ok; you wouldn’t miss it. It sounded surreal at the time. Was the Doc right?

Zach: Kinda. I still wanna do you. I just can’t.

Zelda: You once told me you were obsessed with sex your whole life. You thought about it all the time.

Zach: Duh. Ever since I turned 12, I had sex on the brain. It was a constant drumbeat–my favorite thing in the world, besides music and psychedelics. I took a lot of showers as a teen. I have to admit, the little head did most of the thinking most of the time, back then.

Zelda: And then they went and broke it.

Zach: Bitch-ass cork-suckers turned me into a girl!

Zelda: Welcome, sistah! (reaches for a hug)

Zach: Careful. My tits hurt. (offers fist bump)

Zelda: Do you still think about sex?

Zach: Sure. But not like before.

Zelda: How would you describe our intimacy now?

Zach: Not gonna lie, I miss sex with you. A lot. (eyes squint, face goes red, a tear slides free)

Zelda: Me too!

Zach: I miss the way your boobies would spin in opposite directions, like they were in different hemispheres.

Zelda: I’m a woman of mysterious talents! And now?

Zach: Your boobies don't spin like they used to. 

Zelda: Tell me more!

Zach: It’s like we’re roommates.

Zelda: Come on, don’t you think we’re more than that? I feel like we’re still physical. We do massage...full body massage, I might add.

Zach: True dat. And we still sleep commando. I’d say we cuddle more–’cause it’s all we can do.

Zelda: But let’s be clear: Our cuddling isn't just ho, hum, thanks, chum. It’s Ultimate Cuddling Extreme Championships (UCEC–trademark).

Zach: Should be in the Olympics.

Zelda: And we’d be All Stars. We’re pretty much glued together all night long. From the moment we lay down ‘til we get up in the morning, we’re snuggled like cubs in a rug. Our breathing and heart rates sync up, and it’s hard to tell where one of us stops and the other starts. And when I open my eyes, I’m sometimes surprised to see whose arm’s on top, cause I can’t tell by feeling.

Zach: (smirks)

Zelda: Sex was great, but it wasn’t what made you, you–or us, us.

Zach: (squints eyes...chokes up)

Zelda: Stiffy or no, you’ll always be my partner and best friend. You're my Person.

Zach: Right back atcha.

Zelda: Now, lets go find some Fucking Rocks....




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