Going through chemo



Warning: Strong language ahead

Zelda: At our last appointment, your oncologist greeted us with, “Raise your hand if you’re going through chemo?” It was the first time we’d seen him since you started, and you and I both raised our hands. What did you think of that?


Zach: I thought the 2 of you were trying to be funny. Keeping it light.


Zelda: I thought it was funny.


Zach: I know. But it kinda pissed me off. 


Zelda: Why?


Zach: I know this is shitty for you, too. I do. But you are NOT going through chemo. You don’t have the god-damn evil fucking drugs attaching every damn cell in your body. You’re not the one shitting your pants and falling in the shower. You’re not the one who can’t taste food any more, whose feet are on fire, who gets chills and shakes uncontrollably when it’s 80 degrees in the house. You can't understand how it feels, knowing that even when you’re done, and you survive the all these horrific attacks, it still won’t fucking cure you. The only thing it might do is buy a little more time. A fucking little more time. So yeah, I’m kinda pissed that you raised your hand.


Zelda: You're a hundred percent right, and I apologize. I don’t know how you feel. I only know what I’m going through, and what I see. And I see you. I see you're in pain. I see how it's changed you. You’re not you any more. You look different, you sound different. You’re behaving different.


Zach: No shit.


Zelda: And I don’t know what to do or how to help. 


Zach: There’s nothing you can do.


Zelda: But I want to do something. I know it irritates you when I ask how you’re feeling or if I can get you something to eat or drink. 


Zach: I hate it. I feel like puking and you’re asking if I want soup.


Zelda: It’s a reflex. You know I’m not good with food. You’ve always taken care of me when it comes to meals. And if I get food for myself, I want to get food for you, too. I want to take care of you if I can. I want to keep you safe.


Zach: Just stop. Fucking STOP!!


Zelda: That’s hard.


Zach: It’s driving me crazy.


Zelda: You did ask me to keep track of the meds you’re taking. Then you got mad when I asked what you'd taken so I could write it down.


Zach: Just shut the hell up. You're not even making sense.


Zelda: But I’m your partner. I want to be here for you.


Zach: I know. But I want to punch you right now.


Zelda: And I know you're in pain, but I worry about the Oxy. You were pretty out of it after taking them yesterday.


Zach: What are you talking about?


Zelda: You were groggy all day, not responding to anything I said. 


Zach: That's bullshit. I was not.


Zelda: OK. 


Zach: I don’t even know what you’re fucking talking about any more.


Zelda: Got it. I can’t know what you’re going through. But the operative word is “through.”


Zach: I want to be through. They said 8 rounds. I’m not even halfway through.


Zelda: I know you feel like the symptoms will never end. But they will end. You will get through this. 


Zach: One way or another.


Zelda: Will you promise me one thing.


Zach: (Closes eyes. No response)


Zelda: If you need anything, if there’s anything I can do, anything at all, please tell me. And I'll try to anticipate what you need without asking, and without being annoying. You're my number one—my best friend—my person. I'll do anything for you. All you have to do is ask.


Zach: (No response)

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