Hair
Zelda: It is. Just slowly.
Zach: You’re such a liar.
Zelda: No, it is! Especially in the back. It's growing, and it’s sooo soft! I just want to pet you!
Zach: Quit it!
Zelda: How about a scalp massage?
Zach: OK, that feels kinda good.
Zelda: Seriously, I love your bald head.
Zach: Shocks me every time I look in the mirror. I'm a chrome dome. And yet, I had to shave my face. Twice this week.
Zelda: Why would whiskers come back faster than hair on the top of your head?
Zach: Who knows.
Zelda: What I can’t wait for is: Eyelashes.
Zach: Eyelashes?
Zelda: Yeah. Your eyes seem so vulnerable without them. It’s weird.
Zach: Everything about me is weird right now.
Zelda: You're at a strange point in life.
Zach: Understatement girl.
Zelda: When you think about it, why do we even have hair? And why is it so important to us–especially the hair on our heads?
Zach: It’s not important.
Zelda: Tell that to one of those hairless cats. So weird.
Zach: What’s weird is how much time you spend messing with yours. Like yesterday. You were in the bathroom for hours, cussing a blue streak.
Zelda: I was trying to do a messy bun, like that YouTube girl. So frustrating…never could get it to look like hers.
Zach: That’s ‘cause she has straight blonde hair.
Zelda: Beautiful straight blonde hair.
Zach: You wouldn’t like straight hair if you had it. And you know what? You spend more time on your hair in one day than I have in my whole life.
Zelda: Exaggeration boy. You had a perm once.
Zach: I never should have shown you that photo. Got talked into it by an ex-girlfriend–she needed to practice for her cosmology license or some shit.
Zelda: Cosmetology?
Zach: Whatever.
Zelda: You look so different without hair.
Zach: No shit. You can see all the scars.
Zelda: I mean, heads without hair seem so…
Zach: Naked? Alien? Mr. T?
Zelda: I was going to say, “smaller.” Much smaller.
Zach: Spoken like a true “big hair” girl.
Zelda: I know, I’ve always had a lot of hair. It was down to my butt the whole time I was growing up.
Zach: It was down to your butt when I met you 30 years ago.
Zelda: I guess long hair has always been a big part of me–my identity.
Zach: You aren't your hair. And your hair is fine.
Zelda: I know.
Zach: And yet, you still love to hate it.
Zelda: It never does what I want it to. And now it's getting gray. And the texture...don't get me started.
Zach: If it bothers you so much, why not shave it all off?
Zelda: Maybe I will.
Zach: No you won’t.
Zelda: I might. It would solve so many problems: No more deciding whether to wrap it up or leave it down. No more flipping it out of my face. No more expensive conditioners and gels. No more hair in the shower drain or vacuum.
Zach: Not to mention food.
Zelda: Oh, yeah. So gross.
Zach: Found one in the freezer the other day.
Zelda: Yuck!! Are you sure it was mine?
Zach: It was 2 feet long.
Zelda: Doh. It would be nice not to have to deal with hair any more. And I’ve been thinking: Long hair is kind of a young person thing anyway. On old people, it looks freakish.
Zach: You don’t believe that.
Zelda: Maybe I do. When I see a young girl with beautiful long hair, it makes me smile. Makes me think of ponies and princesses. And rainbows. It’s totally different on an old person. All wispy and out of control. Or wiry and stubborn. My grandma wore her hair in a bun when I was a kid, and I saw her with it down once. It was all the way to her waist. Scared the crap out of me. She looked like a ghost.
Zach: She must’ve liked long hair. Nothing wrong with that.
Zelda: Honestly, I think she just didn’t care. Plus, she lived on a farm. They didn’t have hair salons nearby–or money to spend on something as frivolous as hair.
Zach: Makes sense. But you're not your grandmother.
Zelda: True. Maybe I should try rainbow colors: Aquamarine and purple! Pretend I'm a mermaid!
Zach: That’s it. We’re shaving your head right now. I’ll get the razor.
Zelda: It’s just…what will my head look like naked? I’m sure I have scars and moles. And bumps, probably. What if I'm a monster? And my face is so freaky without hair.
Zach: Your face is fine. And you can always wear a hat or a scarf–or a wig. Time to get vulnerable.
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